One Step at a Time

Last month I had one of my usual classes with my Herbalist teacher. During this class we were discussing therapies that I wanted to study more for my electives. As I enthusiastically described my ideas for working with others, and what I had read so far, he interrupted with a question:

“How much of this work that you want to do for others have you done for Adrienne?”

I stammered and stuttered a little and finally sheepishly admitted that I hadn’t done any of this for myself. “But, I’ve been trying this out for my husband, and this other one for my son, and I’m thinking to try this version for my daughter….”

He stopped me with a shake of his head. “You need to heal yourself first. Put the books away for a while, and try this for yourself. See how you feel, see how this helps you, then you can move on to helping others.”

To be honest, I was a little taken aback. Isn’t being a herbalist and therapist all about helping others heal and realize their health and well-being?

And besides, I’m….. fine.

I like to think that I’m a balanced and healthy individual. I am always “ok”, “just fine”, or “good”—no matter what’s going on in my life. I’m the one that keeps everyone else organized, comforts and helps others feel better, stays strong, calm, and in control no matter what. If everyone else in my life is happy—family, friends, clients, then I’m happy too.

This isn’t necessarily a “bad” character trait, but here’s the problem: I can be so focused on making sure that everyone else’s needs are met, that I don’t make time to look after myself.

Why is it so difficult for me to give myself the same level of love and attention that I give others? Even when I know I need to look after myself, I often don’t. Where does this pattern of behaviour come from?

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Sometimes our behaviour or thought patterns are so old that we don’t even realize they are there. For some people, negative patterns manifest as self-critical repeating thoughts, or perhaps uncontrollable outbursts of anger, gossiping about others, constant complaining, playing the victim…the list goes on. For me, its not making the time to look after myself, not taking care of my own health and well being with the same level of commitment that I give to everyone else around me. To be clear, I’m not saying this is my only flaw—(I wish!).

When my mother passed away at age 50, she was lauded at her funeral as a “devoted wife, a loving mother, and a shining example of a selfless pastor’s wife”. And she was. As a teen I remember her slowly and painfully getting her very pregnant self off her chair to go and get the glass of water Dad had just asked her for—without protest. I never heard her say “No.” to a request, nor do I remember her ever taking time to do something just for her own self care. She never went to any therapy, or talked about things that bothered her. She had very few friends—if any. Her entire life was her husband, her children, and her religion.

Our parents don’t have to tell us how to behave, how to react, and how to look after ourselves; their example and their reactions to what we do or don’t do becomes imprinted on us, either positively (we do what they did) or negatively (we avoid what they did at all cost). This example of a selfless, uncomplaining and compliant wife and mother was imprinted on me at a very young age.

Dr. Gabor Mate talks about this phenomena of the “nice person”, and their tendency to sacrifice self-care and authenticity in pursuit of approval (attachment). This is normal behaviour for a child; we watch those around us, and copy their behaviour as much as we can, in order to gain their approval and remain secure in our relationships. As adults though, when we continue to seek attachment and approval at the expense of our own sense of self and authenticity, we are creating an underlying condition of stress that influences our emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

*If you’d like to listen to some of Dr Gabor Mate’s own words about this, check out this YouTube video: How to Stop People Pleasing.

When you’re raised to be compliant, nice, and self-denying, it can take years to understand true self-care, and to implement it. I may “know” what I should be doing (or should not be doing) but that doesn’t mean it is my first instinct to follow through on that. And by self-care, I don’t mean getting my hair and nails done, or going shopping for new clothes (though those could be part of it), but I mean doing my own healing inner work, and creating healthy routines and good habits for myself—not just for those I love.

For someone like me, this can be overwhelming, and difficult to integrate into my life. Its far easier to be busy looking after everyone else who needs me in various ways than it is to do healing work for myself, or even just enjoy something I would like to do. Recently, I spent a day in the city with a friend, taking the time for some heart to heart connection—and I felt guilty for doing so—for not being home to make my teens their lunch, or to be there when my husband got home from work, or to answer the many emails from clients.

I know I’m making progress because I at least recognize these situations now—and question why I feel the way I do, which brings me back to my title: One Step at a Time. This is how we integrate ourselves into whole and healthy individuals. We choose something—one step—and implement that one routine or item or thought pattern into our lives.

This is something that I’ve been slowly, consciously working towards in fits and starts, something that started several years ago, when I first became aware that I didn’t have a self-identity, but like my mother, my entire identity was wrapped up in the roles I lived for others. It takes time—a lot of time—to move from realization and occasional contemplation, to concrete decisions and follow through.

Recently I’ve implemented a couple of changes to prioritize my well-being. The first one was simple: delaying my work start time (as a freelancer this is possible) by one hour. Instead of being on the computer, answering emails at 8am sharp, I now give myself an extra hour to do some movement, have a good breakfast and write for a while. This extra hour in the morning has made a big difference in reducing my feeling of overwhelm. It means that I sometimes work until 5, instead of 4 and don’t have supper prepped, or the housework caught up on… (because I do still try to do it all)…but I’m learning to be ok with that.

My second major change is to start practicing Qi-Gong. This time, I won’t be just following free youtube videos, like I have with Yoga or Pilates in the past, but instead spending some of my hard-earned money on myself and taking some in-person classes, just like I spend money on my children and their martial arts and music lessons.

Doing healing work on our own emotional, mental and/or physical health is not necessarily an easy and fun method of self-care. It’s much more enjoyable to head to a spa, or have a candlelit bath at home, then it is to examine why I react, behave, or think the way I do, but if I can heal myself, I will be in a much better position to help those around me.

If each of us took our personal healing seriously, we would change our lives, the lives of those around us, and eventually, the world. In the words of Gabor Mate: