We moved to a new home last month, which resulted in more space for all of us and more privacy for each of us. There’s plenty of room in each teens bedroom for all their own stuff. This was such a big deal to both of them—that there was enough space for their bedroom items and their computer set ups, and everything else they each like to do—that I thought it would be a good post for our Perspectives.
Remember co-sleeping? Cuddle time? Little kids that want to snuggle up and “sleep in the middle”? And then there’s the teen years… I need my own room. I need some space. I need to do my own thing. Leave me alone. Why is this important for teens?
I don’t look at this as a negative thing (even though it’s difficult to let go) but rather as an important part of growing up. Like this Youtube video talks about, it’s important to reach a stage of flying, instead of staying comfortably in the nest:
Here’s the thing though, before young adults are ready to fly, they need to spend some time with a safety net, being able to make their own decisions and become a little more established as their own person. To do this, they need their own space.
Mom:
I grew up in a home that emphasized the community of family—and church—over the individual. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s unbelievably grating as a mid-to-late teen to have to give up your private time because “you’re not doing anything important” and mom or dad need something. Meanwhile the important thing you were doing was just being yourself in your own space, thinking your own thoughts.
Now, it’s my turn to raise teens. My kids are amazing, and we’re a close family so far. There haven’t been any major fights, but I can tell when I’m in their space too much or when they’re in each others space too much and the irritation begins to build. I can back off and let them do their own thing, but the difficult thing for me right now isn’t giving them physical space and time in their own rooms, but giving them the space to make their own decisions.
Homeschooling my children from kindergarten, all the way through to the present day means that so far, I haven’t had to entrust my child’s safety and well being to anyone besides a very small number of trusted adults. I also haven’t had to entrust their safety and well-being to themselves. Giving them the autonomy they need to make decisions about their own activities, safety, and future isn’t easy for me, especially when it extends to trusting others.
Like when the boy from Ninjitsu who lives down the street wants to car pool and he gets his drivers license next month and will happily drive my kids to class. Ummm…. I will make that decision for you—and its a no. (as my mom-brain goes into overdrive imagining all the terrible scenarios with teen drivers).
Sarri (16)
Space- my space- a bedroom- is an important thing for me, and most teens. It’s where I can be myself with no judgment, or at least a place where I can feel safe in the fact I know I’m not being watched. And that’s important, because if I don’t have that space, safe space, then I won’t be alone. Besides the fact that I appreciate time with other people more if I have time with myself first. If I’m never alone, how could I know who I truly am? After all, if you spend all your time interacting with others- talking, working, playing- then who are you? What are you, who am I without them, without my family, who perhaps know me better than I know myself- or at least, the person that I put on around them, the person I or maybe you have kept acting since you don’t want to be judged for changing.
Teens still need a safety net, of course, that’s what being a teen is all about. To be able to be your own person and figure life out, but with the backup of parents, the safety net of the home. That’s the parent’s job, to provide that safety net- but not to confine the teen under it anymore. The teen has to learn to be able to handle themselves, I mean, I know I do- and I couldn’t do that if I was under or pushed away from the safety net.
And another thing. If I don’t know who I am, how could I possibly believe in myself in the real world, when I leave the nest, as I will eventually? How can I know that I will be able to handle something, as my own person? A quiet space, a space that belongs to me and one that I am in control of will offer that quiet reflection time needed to just be myself, by myself. And that’s almost crucial for a teen—after all, a parent wouldn’t like it if their kid was constantly calling them up while they were an adult to ask for help with things that any properly functioning adult should be able to do, right? Teens have to be able to figure out their life so that they can live it, and the best way to start that is by having a safe space, a bedroom.
Ecat (13):
We need privacy to do our own thing. Having a quiet space helps. We can’t create things when we feel like someone is always watching or listening.
We need space and ability to make our own decisions about ourselves. Like Mom can stop buying things for me without checking with me first (birthdays and Christmas obviously don’t count).
Call out to my subscribers who are experienced parents: what are your thoughts? How much space is enough? When are we controlling too much? And how much space and autonomy is too much?
It's amazing to watch them metamorphose into fully formed adult humans. How fortunate we are to be part of that journey although at times it drives us a little bit crazy. Thanks for sharing.
Your kids are terrific. So insightful. Space is a privilege and they seem to have earned it!